


For the Want of a Drink

by teacup_of_doom



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Bones has a hip flask, Crack, Drinking, Gen, Moonshine, Red Velvet Cake, Ridiculous Chase Scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-23 23:22:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/627658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teacup_of_doom/pseuds/teacup_of_doom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the Prompt: Scotty and Bones in search of good booze.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the Want of a Drink

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laughing_Phoenix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laughing_Phoenix/gifts).



Doctor Leonard “Bones” McCoy knew exactly how he’d gotten into this situation. He knew the exact chain of events that had gotten him to this point, and why he’d done them, and with whom. But some part of him was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that he was skulking around the corridors of the USS Enterprise – perhaps a little more tipsy than was advisable – with a nearly bouncing and much more drunk, insane, Scotsman.  

“Laddie.” The Chief engineer of the Enterprise giggled, tugging on the elbow of Bones’ uniform. “We need t’get a move on.” He  was  attempting a stage whisper. It was failing, badly, and was really more of a stage shout. “Please tell me you’ve got a wee dram more in that flask that I can have before we move off?”

Bones instinctively clutched his hipflask close to his chest, protective. His hipflask had been a gift from a friend back on Earth, in Georgia.  It was the only thing useful that had been still his after the divorce, probably, and he wouldn’t give it up without a fight. It was _his_ , his precious, and he kept it on him at all times.

It was, of course, strictly for medicinal purposes, of course – that was his story and he was sticking to it. So what if most of what it contained ended up in his own stomach? It seemed like there were already so many people trying to get to his flask anyway. Admiralty could pry it out of his vice-like grip, if they really wanted to try it.

There was an ongoing bet amongst the crew as to what type of liquor was in his flask, and they made attempts to get themselves into situations where they would get to taste it. None had yet managed it. It might have been a point of pride on Bones’ part. No one, especially not someone who was more drunk than he was, was going to get their hands on it either – not even if that someone was an insane Scotsman who happened to have the codes to the best liquor dealers in the quadrant.

“No.” Bones glared. “Mine. You’ve already drunk enough.”

Scotty threw his arms wide and grinned at him. “Nope, there’s still more room in me for more.” His eyes went wide. “Leonard! I want liquor that tastes like sandwiches.”

Every inch of Bones wanted to roll his eyes, the man had a serious obsession with sandwiches – and Jim thought it was hilarious, probably because he was the only person who knew the roots of the obsession. Instead of commenting Bones grabbed the Chief Engineer’s arm and pushed him around the corner of the corridor. “Sure. Ok, we can have sandwich liquor, but we need to first _get to the liquor.”_

“Ooh. Right.” Scotty hiccupped. “That way.”

Starfleet regulations stated that on all Federation ships, alcohol was prohibited unless procured for celebratory purposes, sold directly from the recreation area and consumed there, or was on board as part of the cargo. It was well known that all Federation starships, even those on exploratory missions, adhered to this regulation.

If one just so happened to serve on the starship Enterprise, it was also well known that the regulation was usually, and rampantly, disregarded by the entirety of the crew – with the exception of a certain Vulcan first officer who generally refused to come within five feet of anything containing chocolate.

The incident with the Red Velvet cake was still forbidden within the Vulcan’s earshot, and would probably be for some time.

Now, what Bones and Scotty were searching for, Scotty would say was nearly as important as the warp core of his beloved Enterprise. Almost.

They were looking for their still. 

Bones came from the Southern United States, where certain things were just as a proud a tradition – and expected – as anything else considered heritage. One of those things was moonshine. It may have been illegal, and Bones had never thought of making any himself, but that had been  before he’d set foot on the rust bucket known as the Enterprise.

Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott was a born and bred Scotsman. That being said, Scotsmen were the reason that whisky ever made it to the American South. They had emigrated, moved to the woods, and made corn whiskey. Scotty had never, actually, been to the Southern United States, but he had spent several years on a frozen moon where Vulcan used to be. And, therefore, he’d had plenty of time to create a decent formula for alcohol. Where he’d gotten the corn for the mash, even he wouldn’t divulge.

The two men had finally had a decent chance to talk, when all the craziness from Nero was over and done with. They – very quickly - bonded over their strange friendship with a blue-eyed creature named James Kirk, and, most importantly, liquor. If Starfleet had known about the consequences, they would probably have shipped the two to opposite ends of the known universe the minute they had touched down on Earth. They honestly might have thought that being sequestered on a starship in the middle of the black would have hindered two like-minded individuals from doing anything…untoward, legally speaking. Mainly because stills had a tendency to be a little volatile, a little delicate, and could cause some structural and environmental damage should anything go awry.

They would have been wrong. 

The still that was owned, operated and lovingly tended to by Scotty, was starting to become its own legend on the Enterprise, whose crew knew more than enough not to mention where the high-proof liquor that seemed to supply any party that occurred on the ship came from. At least not in front of one Commander Spock, who would follow the regulations to the letter and probably report them all. And worse, take away the still.

Tonight, Bones and Scotty had decided to take advantage of what free time they both had to have a few drinks of their own – and had soon run out of booze, though Bones was a little confused as to how. They’d had a lot of it stashed. Now, of course, they needed more booze.

Which is where they ran into trouble. It was one thing for the crew to see them a little drunk, everyone had seen everyone else drunk at least once. That was what happened when you were on a ship where there wasn’t a lot of turnover. They would just like to avoid it, if possible. They were part of the command crew, after all, and shouldn’t, technically speaking, be setting such an example.

The second problem was actually getting to the still relatively unnoticed, so that there would be little suspicion of what they were up to, and the third, most importantly, was to keep away from Commander Spock.

They had already failed in tackling the second of the problems. Scotty’s level of inebriation immediately make them noticeable – the man couldn’t stop _giggling_. Or singing songs practically as annoying as the alert claxons. Since they had been noticed by a variety of the crew, it was only natural that they were having to work hard to avoid Spock, who would have been alerted by crew members who were not happy with their command crew getting sloshed, or Scotty’s singing abilities.  

Which was why Bones was lurking in a corridor with a drunken Scotsman and hoping that the green-blooded hobgoblin wasn’t checking their position through the internal computers. It was the one thing that Bones didn’t know how to get around. Scotty probably would – but he was drunk, and Bones wasn’t letting him anywhere near a computer terminal. Mainly because of the shit that went down with Scotty playing in the computers while not sober – the last incident of that had ended up with the lights cycling through the colors of the rainbow for hours.

Bones looked around the corner. No one appeared to be there. Bones kept his hipflask close to his chest, grabbed the front of Scotty’s sweater, and dragged him into the corridor. The Scotsman flailed his arms, but then went along with Bones. 

The still could only be accessed through the Jeffries tubes. The Jefferies tubes were a maze. It wasn’t a case of just getting through the maze, one also had to get to the right access point to the maze. They had to access the Jefferies Tubes at the right point without giving it away to Spock. Not that they were entirely sure that he knew about the still in the first place, but there was the probability that he knew that they had an extra stash of liquor around.

They made it three more corridors towards the access point, before they saw Spock go around one of the corners towards them. Scotty would have protested as Bones dragged him into a room off the corridor, had Bones not muttered “green blooded hobgoblin at two o’clock” to him quickly, quietly.

Spock didn’t leave the corridor for fifteen minutes. Fifteen nerve-wracking minutes, in which Scotty got sober, very, very quickly – and then mildly drunk again as both Bones and Scotty took deep, repeated swigs from Bones’ hipflask. When Spock was gone, they booked it. Unsteadily, and a little bit ramble-ish. So, really, instead of running down the corridor, they slid gently along opposite walls. It did seem like running from their point of view.

From the point of view of some of the crew members walking around, it was just mildly hilarious. 

But of course, it was Spock. So he wasn’t actually gone, per say, just hiding around the next corner, like a stalker. Or an older sibling who knew that the younger ones were doing something against the rules, and was prepared to get the evidence to prove it, which prompted a bit of swearing on Bones part. Scotty just stared at the half-Vulcan in horror for about two seconds, at which point, he did run in the opposite direction – stumbling, really. Bones followed with a little more coordination, but not much.

Behind them, Spock’s mouth twitched, and he followed at a more leisurely pace. That didn’t last long, as the realization of the fact that they were being followed started to burn some of the alcohol from the blood vessels of both Scotty and Bones. Naturally, what followed was a chase through the entirety of the Enterprise, given that Bones and Scotty refused to allow themselves to be caught by Spock on principle – gaining the attention of the entire crew – narrated by Hikaru Sulu and Pavel Checkov  from the bridge – while Uhura just put her head in her hands and uttered “boys” between attempts to stifle her own laughter.

What made matters worse, was that the two moonshiners were losing quite spectacularly to Spock, who was gaining on them incrementally, and had only been put off once, when Scotty had gotten sober enough to trap Spock on level five for two minutes – in the botany department where the team there had decided to try roasting their own cocoa beans .

Which meant that, eventually, the three of them were stumbling through the Enterprise. One half-Vulcan drunk on chocolate fumes, and two humans nearing dangerous levels of sobriety. And Scotty was still giggling.

Someone in the cafeteria had started a betting pool long before then, and the odds were in favor now, of the two humans.

No one, would actually get much of the prize money though. 

Bones was the first to reach the other out door to the recreation hall, having just run through the long room, and slammed into the door, which should have opened for him automatically – it was never kept locked. The sober part of his brain realized that this was a bad, bad thing, and turned to tell Scotty that something was wrong – and didn’t have to, because Scotty hadn’t slowed his pace one bit, and slammed into the door. He was fine, he just bounced back and looked surprised, and then stumbled to the side – leaving room for Spock to have the misfortune of the same experience. Spock, for once in his life, managed to do perform an action less than gracefully, and ended up with a green mark on his cheek where it had come in contact with the door and a cat-like, stunned expression.

Which just set the two humans off into fits of giggles, and a stunned half-Vulcan staring at the door. Which then opened, to reveal the sunny and inexplicably amused figure of Jim Kirk.

“Gentlemen.” Jim said, with a grin wider than a black hole – and Bones’ internal “Jim Kirk is about to pull a fast one” alarm went off. “What are we doing, running through the halls, half drunk?” He shook his head. “So very unbecoming officers of Starfleet’s flagship.” He tsked- but now he was grinning like a madman. “What am I going to do with you?”

Spock opened his mouth to explain, Scotty started giggling again, and Bones just slapped himself on the forehead. This, this couldn’t end well.

Jim’s grin just seemed to get wider. 

* * *

The still sat in its little nook in the Jefferies tubes – Jim Kirk’s feet resting on a box as he sat next to it, glass of moonshine in hand. He ignored the pounding on the door of the little storage closet next to where Scotty had stashed the still, and chuckled to himself.

He’d known where the still had been from some time – and had been reaping the benefits for ages. As he was the Captain, it was highly unlikely that Bones and Scotty had been planning to share. So Jim had been helping himself, now and then.

He took a deep gulp, and laughed as the sound of Scotty’s voice reverberated through the doorway. “Why do these bottles say Jim’s Moonshine on them? Look at them all! He’s been stashing it! Oh, this one looks like it’s got chocolate in it, or something –  look.”

Jim only laughed louder at the sound of both Bones and Spock trying to snatch the bottle away from the already horrified Scotsman.

Uhura had better have been recording all of this, because no one was ever going to believe this had ever happened on the Enterprise.

Then again, they might. 


End file.
